Over-Apologizing: Ways to Stop the Pattern
For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.
Speaking in Public and Questioning
This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.
Self-Acceptance
I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.
Finding the Source
A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in grown-up life.
In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.
Benefits of Counseling
When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.
Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.
Actionable Tips
Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or exposure, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.
Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.
This process will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.
