Navigating the Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
